2017.05.30
I'd known they were coming for months
I'd asked most if they were keen
The resounding answer was no
No group mentality
No one knew who they were
No one knew them
The four weeks leading up were my darkest yet
It's not an exaggeration
Ask anyone
I'd painted myself in a corner when there
wasn't time to let the paint dry
The moment was coming
Where I'd need to sit on the unpainted small
square of wooden floor
Slowly and reluctantly pulling each big girl
boot over each of my tiny, tired hooves
Vibrating to every echoing response to the
velocity of my gait through toxic smells and sticky resistance
Axiomatic that I couldn't give a damn that it
was all for naught and about the added mess on my way out
After two days of straight listening and a
strange dream about the show, two brothers, four yoga mats, four lips and a
kiss
I resolved to go it alone
I suppose my canvassing wasn't vigilant
Jamie Lee probably would have loved the shit
out of it
But I didn't ask her
I don't know why
Wedged between a strange dream, the dark, a
rut and the resounding ornamental sound
My silent hill
That day, I'd had the worst day
It was the first time I'd ever said: I don't
love my job; emotionally stonewalled; physiologically exhausted; neurally
negative; all over drained; spiritually anxious; bindingly alcoholic;
unequivocally alone; despairingly ugly.
With them in my ears I proffered the
following into the universe: Give me something. Give me anything. Just say yes
or no.
The night came
I was tired
Makeup-less
In my usually weird work clothes
Let's get real, they were weirder and more
awful than usual
B knew I was down, so we got up to our old
dog day tricks and visited the Buddha with a bottle of red
My veracious yogi joined
The lads got on as I knew they would
We gathered, communed and revelled
My spirits lifted, but that damned Peter Pan
Crocodile with the blasted clock between his bearing teeth kept chasing me
I finally interrupted the flow
I said: it's time lads, I'm gonna go it
alone
I was slightly nervous, but going alone was
better than not going at all
VY said we could suss out the scene, so we
sat back to let a gypsy sorcerer lead the way
Lit as the wild
The gates of the Tivoli were tattered and old
save for the vibrations of that resounding ornamental sound
I was running on my good name, but the
gatekeeper wanted gieldan
In my true clumsy Canadian fashion I claimed
that the puck had already dropped
Between confusion of the terms or the
kindness of the universe, without half a pence the heavy wooden gates battered
behind VY and I
The two persons of least importance had
arrived
It would take me several thousand words,
sounds, smells, photos and feelings to accurately convey the ensuing hours, so
I'll sum it up in one:
Omnitude
That moment of breaking between the stillness
of our tireless efforts to live
I didn't even know till the moment of arrival
it would work out at all. It didn't turn out in any way I contemplated, but it
turned out.
The universe shouted two things loudly that
day:
Natural, sometimes the answer is yes; and
You don't always have to go alone
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