As a preface to this piece - I have unfortunately been assaulted more than once by more than one person. I have healed from all of these experiences and truly have no further emotion to give to them. My assailants that were identifiable have been made aware that the Alberta statute of limitations for civil sexual assault was lifted, so they can live in fear (as we have) of being served with a claim any day. Ironically when I assaulted in Brisbane, I reached out to my first assailant in Alberta in distress. He of course, was unavailable. At this time, the thought of how misguided that was on my part makes me laugh out loud now.
The point of this piece is to reach out to everyone who requires healing and let them know I am open for private or public conversations about personal healing or legal recourse. The world can be a beautiful place and I think there are some special people I can assist by being vulnerable and putting my experiences on the floor [19.13 and as I wrote this a balloon floating on the floor in my house spontaneous popped!]
***
sometimes strange memories come back to me
and they make me see I always was a healer
a chameleon
I flash to being 21 years old behind a high end bar
I make friends with a beautiful mid-forties blonde woman sitting at the wood
the next flash is the both of us in her car
I think it was a bentley
I'm in the passenger
we're both smoking cigarettes
although I don't smoke
as my friend Si used to say "Natalie, you're not even inhaling"
to which I would respond "yeah, but do I look cool?"
my shift isn't over
she's crying about how her husband won't fuck her
in my head, I think goddamnit why? her husband looks like a worm and this woman is stunning
she says he has a porn addiction and it's been almost 8 years since they had had sex
I try to console her
at this point in my life, I have only been sexually assaulted while I was sleeping and stockholm syndromed by a pervert at work who (unbeknownst to me) lived with his long term girlfriend
I tell the woman she is stunning as I fake inhale
and lay out her options
- softly address it with him, see if he'll go to therapy independently and/or together
- go to therapy independently and see what the professionals say
- give him an ultimatum about the porn and/or his lack of sexual relations with her; or
- point blank, leave
she cries and cries.
I tell her she has thought about it enough and needs to choose a course of action and if she doesn't, then no one can feel sorry for her
reaching across
she holds me close
clinging her hand to the back of my head with her cigarette between her first and second fingers
smoking smoke through my hair
I feel her murmured tragic heart
it is good
it is honest
it is broken, but whole
outside beauty, be what it be
this woman is stunning inside
a lost soul that's deep
she thanks me
we dry our tears
and go back inside the bar
the wormy husband asks where we've been
we say a bathroom emergency
we had got to talking
because we're ditzy
I slip behind the wood and pour three shots
wink at her and smile
and make a toast
to everything being alright
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